Illusion / Delusion

In a bedroom, first light shines through closed windows– a morning sun. There is a bed, upon which lies a 17 year old girl. She moves lightly. Beside her is a diary. It is open. The diary is empty, except for two entries, dated Tuesday 13th October and Wednesday 14th October. The handwriting is neat, though not without a few smudges, with the handwriting slightly cramped on the second entry. There is stillness in the air.

Tuesday 13th October

 Most people have an epiphany that lasts moments, maybe a few minutes if they are lucky. Mine lasted for one day.

Yesterday I woke up and immediately realised that today would be a day like no other. I could practically feel the beauty of the world pressing in my windows. This was no random feeling of wellbeing, rather I felt like I had suddenly realised why people paint pictures of trees, children and other every day objects and call them beautiful.

School was like any other normal day, except that I was able to realise all those things I wanted to. Those decisions that you make subconsciously were tangible and apparent to me. I participated in class as normal, but this time with the knowledge that this was not all there was for me.

Teachers spend years telling you about your potential, how you can become what ever you want, how you can grow and blossom into being a beautiful, articulate person. Today was the first time I believed it. I saw that those millions of tiny things that add up over time do matter, but that the beauty is that we don’t realise we are deciding.

I have the freedom to choose not to participate. In those classes, I saw many different futures laid before me – I could travel, I could study, I could work. Equally, I saw the less conventional ones, leaving school, becoming an artist or even choosing to become a young single mother so that when my daughter grew up I would be close enough to her age. They were all there, and while the possibilities were not endless, there were enough for me to feel genuinely excited. 

I realised that the beauty in life is choosing when to participate – sometimes you need to step back, but today I was fully involved. I could sense something special about the paths I could take. It did not matter that I did not know which one I would go down, but it did matter that I realised that each one would bring its own challenges, troubles and beauty. It was exhilarating.

Even in the evening with my parents, the usual conversation over dinner inspired me.

I was able to see my parents for what they were. I was able to see them as two wonderful people who had committed so much of their life to raising me. But I saw beyond that. They too had their own lives with their own paths that they were on.

My mother had many ambitions but so little time; my father had ambitions too, but so little money. I realised that my parents were just like me, only a little further down the path. Indeed – I felt almost as if they were on the same path, just disappearing over the horizon, almost out of sight but not quite.

At 17, I feel for the first time alive. The excitement I feel is refreshing. I have many choices to make, and no doubt some bad decisions. However, I know now that these decisions will only reflect my disposition at the time and I will embrace the outcomes with an honest positive attitude because there is so much still to see.

There is no illusion here – the potential laid before me makes me, for the first time ever, feel truly alive and able to be part of a wonderful world.

Good Night – may the next day bring with it life’s great challenges

Wednesday 14th October

The challenges I faced today were all part of the path. The path throws random events in our way. Overcoming them is meant to be rewarding, and it is in some respects.

All the distractions that we face on a daily basis do nothing to contribute to the ultimate beauty of the world. These distractions serve only to distance our appreciation of the over all beauty. Peel away the distractions and you get closer to the beauty.

Then again, why do we want to? Why chose to remove the distractions? What is there to see beneath them?

Yes there are horrors in the world, but there are also reasons not to proceed. We feel we can choose what to do, but we can’t.

The only choice we truly have is to whether or not distract our selves from reality. And the reality is the fact that the world goes on without you. People go on without you.

Listening to my teachers made me realise that they were training me to participate in a world that prizes distraction over understanding – jobs, entertainment, socialising – they all serve to obscure clarity.

And I am sick of it. I don’t want my reality hidden. So today, I looked deeper – I looked at the great below.

I saw that the great below was nothing but a shallow, cruel existence. There exists a dispassionate procession of simple facts. There is no absolute purpose of the world, so to give us purpose, we invent distractions.

I can chose not to participate in the distractions, but the maddening thing is I cannot chose not to participate in the true reality, save for one option.

I have to have the ability to chose – today I realised that the last ultimate choice is to choose not to participate.

I have reread my entry for Tuesday, and maybe things would be different if the two days happened in reverse order, but I am resolved.

There is no point, only distractions. This is not delusion – this is a realisation. It is a realisation I feel fortunate to have made – I can leave the world of my own volition. I am a beautiful person, but only on the surface. To the great below, I am a nothing, and that is all that matters.

Good Night – may the next life bring greater challenges.

As the first light streams through the windows, the young girl breathes once and then no more. The knife drops to the floor, the bed sheets stained through with blood. The diary lies still, before the pages flicker over to the next day.